Because what’s really hot is recycling shit you did a year ago.

• The Artist- The people who actually want to see a black and white silent film are the same assholes who don’t own a TV and talk about how much better off they are than other people, despite the fact that they have shitty taste in movies.
• The Descendants- When we were in New York a couple weeks ago there was a copy of Black Book in the room (which is the worst) and there was a piece on the girl in this movie, a select quote “I would rather actually kill my meat than buy it in plastic wrap.” Fuck you you fucking asshole, I doubt this dumb girl has ever even hunted anything. For that reason alone I want this movie to burn in hell.
• Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close- A movie about 9/11? Sounds like an uplifting bit of cinema. It really should have been called “Do you want to cry for two whole hours?”
• The Help- I don’t know what to say about this movie because I feel like it’s a hot button topic for racism and I don’t want to touch it, but I think we can all agree that it’s a good thing Tyler Perry didn’t buy the rights to this movie.
• Hugo- I literally just found out this was a movie 10 seconds ago. It’s about some kid that lives in the walls of a train station and Sacha Baron Cohen is in it and is playing a serious role. I’m sort of intrigued. But what has the world of movies come to when the best picture could be a movie that’s complete Thanksgiving family movie bait?
• Midnight in Paris- You know what I hate more than anything? Fucking American ex-pats that live in Paris who write articles about living in Paris. They’re always like “Oh Paris is just so much better because XYZ, America is terrible” No asshole, you know what makes America suck so much? Assholes like you. I mean I’d love to live in Paris too, but I wouldn’t be such a self righteous dick about it.
• Moneyball- I’ve read the book at least three times and I loved it, but you know what’s not smart? To make a movie about how brilliant a guy is when the guy has been pretty sub par the last 5 years. It’s like making a movie about how Nick Lachey was a pop music powerhouse in 2009.
• The Tree of Life- It’s supposedly an art film with very little dialogue? Ugh no. One time I rented the movie Last Days because It looked kind of interesting, but it was just a fake Kurt Cobain stumbling around a forest and a giant house for two hours, and there was almost no story. Ugh, so terrible. I made some mistakes in my life in 2005.
• War Horse- Horses are dumb, and horse movies are dumber. They’d be cooler if it wasn’t for dumb people who liked horses. Can you imagine if we still used horses in wars? There would be someone out there like “So we talk about the 2,000 Americans that died in Afghanistan but why does nobody mention the 20 precious horses that died?” You know it’s true, horse people are crazy.

Just more evidence that Patriots fans are super smart.

Hey you, sort of sports fan. Are you unsure who to root for in the Super Bowl because you got too tied up in trying to keep Community and it’s unfunny jokes from going off the air? Or maybe you were hoping that Tim Tebow would make the Super Bowl so you could root for that classic Heisman Trophy and National Championship winning underdog who defied the impossible odds of being picked in the first round to become a sometimes serviceable quarterback? Do you only watch the Super Bowl so that you can tweet from your iPhone about how America is “so fucking commercialized”? Well I’m here to help. Let’s take a look at our competitors…

The New York Giants

Pros:
-Aren’t the New England Patriots
-They kept the Cowboys out of the playoffs, which is always good, because fuck the Cowboys.
-They have some pretty amazing receivers who make Eli Manning look competent.
-Eli Manning winning another Super Bowl means that he has more than Peyton, which is pretty funny.
-You’re less likely to run into a bunch of douchey Giants fans in NYC because they commute in from Connecticut. Massholes still live in Boston.
-They wear royal blue. Navy blue is for boring people who like Coldplay and still watch Friends like it hasn’t been off the air for 10 years.
-Maybe Brandon Jacobs will throw his helmet to some lucky Colts fan again.

Cons:
-Eli Manning looks like a 10 year old was mated with a ferret.
-I want to see this guy cry like a baby again. (Technically this is a “pro” but the Giants winning doesn’t produce this result)
-Oh you’re like “God I hate New England fans, they’re so insufferable” You think Giants fans are any less insufferable? They’re from New York, home of the original insufferable asshole fan. They’re just more low key because one moment they’ll be talking about how it’s great to pay $3,000 a month for a 1 bedroom apartment and the next they’ll start screaming about how Derek Jeter is the greatest thing to ever happen to anything ever.
-They play in New Jersey, nothing good ever comes from Jersey.
-Did I mention how dumb Eli Manning is? Because seriously.
-Everyone puts Tom Coughlin on the hot seat every other day. Like seriously, stop. Just two months ago they wanted to fire him, and now look where they are. Talk about overreaction.

New England Patriots

Pros:
-Do you like white people? Do you like white people who are gritty and hard working and short? WELL DO I HAVE THE GUYS FOR YOU!!! I heard Julian Edelman shoveled all of the streets in Boston with just a bucket and a garden shovel and then he returned a punt. WHAT A GUY!
-Seriously though, do you like white people? Because only white people are stupid enough to want to live in New England. Come for the humid summers, but stay for the bitter winters!
-When Tom Brady and Belichick retire, most of the Patriots fans will go back to where they were in 1998; non existent.
-Tom Brady is kind of an asshole, but just admit it, you wish you were him. Do you have a Victoria’s Secret model girlfriend, a $20 million dollar house, and slideshows dedicated to your hair? Didn’t think so. You don’t want any of that? Fuck you, quit lying.
-Ditto that for Bill Belichick, except replace Victoria’s Secret model with the Real Housewives of Quincy.

Cons:
-I am going to have to hear about the Patriots and how great it is for such a long tortured fanbase to finally get another chance at a Super Bowl after 4 agonizing years for the next two weeks and there is no way to escape it. I’m sure even old ladies at Stop and Shop will try and talk my god damn ear off about how great the Patriots are. I already want to kill myself.
-Win or lose, you can you can expect the Bill Simmons to write 20,000 words about the game.
-Gritty white people.
-TOMMY FUCKING BRADY will become the GREATEST QUARTERBACK EVER!
-You can expect a bunch of bad posts on sports blogs using fake Boston accents, and they will all be bad.
-No matter what after this everyone in New England will start talking constantly about the Red Sox, and sweet Jesus I am not ready for that.

The only good news is that The Black Eyed Peas aren’t playing the half time show this year. Which isn’t all that good when you realize that Madonna and her weird arms are playing the Super Bowl, but hey, Puppy Bowl.

Today is cold and snowy so it’s a good day to just curl up into a cat ball on the couch.

I can still see important Wikipedia pages. Suck it nerds!

This isn’t a lame attempt at being like “Oh hey it’s my birthday, so wish me happy birthday people on the internet” because I don’t care about my birthday, but I do care about spicy peppers.

Hanksy’s jacket. Also, we just bought a Hanksy. We are art fucks.

Obligatory shot of some tall buildings in NYC

Dinner accoutrements

1. Dirt off Your Bib
2. 03 Bert and Ernie
3. Burp all Night
4. Welcome To The Jungle Gym
5. Show Me What You Got In Math Class
6. Never Change (Another Diaper)
7. American Father
8. Parking Lot Ticklin’
9. Money, Cash, College Funds
10. Can I Get a Babysitter
11. Do You Wanna Ride? (In my PowerWheels)
12. A Million and One Questions for My Daughters Prom Date