Hey you, sort of sports fan. Are you unsure who to root for in the Super Bowl because you got too tied up in trying to keep Community and it’s unfunny jokes from going off the air? Or maybe you were hoping that Tim Tebow would make the Super Bowl so you could root for that classic Heisman Trophy and National Championship winning underdog who defied the impossible odds of being picked in the first round to become a sometimes serviceable quarterback? Do you only watch the Super Bowl so that you can tweet from your iPhone about how America is “so fucking commercialized”? Well I’m here to help. Let’s take a look at our competitors…

The New York Giants

Pros:
-Aren’t the New England Patriots
-They kept the Cowboys out of the playoffs, which is always good, because fuck the Cowboys.
-They have some pretty amazing receivers who make Eli Manning look competent.
-Eli Manning winning another Super Bowl means that he has more than Peyton, which is pretty funny.
-You’re less likely to run into a bunch of douchey Giants fans in NYC because they commute in from Connecticut. Massholes still live in Boston.
-They wear royal blue. Navy blue is for boring people who like Coldplay and still watch Friends like it hasn’t been off the air for 10 years.
-Maybe Brandon Jacobs will throw his helmet to some lucky Colts fan again.

Cons:
-Eli Manning looks like a 10 year old was mated with a ferret.
-I want to see this guy cry like a baby again. (Technically this is a “pro” but the Giants winning doesn’t produce this result)
-Oh you’re like “God I hate New England fans, they’re so insufferable” You think Giants fans are any less insufferable? They’re from New York, home of the original insufferable asshole fan. They’re just more low key because one moment they’ll be talking about how it’s great to pay $3,000 a month for a 1 bedroom apartment and the next they’ll start screaming about how Derek Jeter is the greatest thing to ever happen to anything ever.
-They play in New Jersey, nothing good ever comes from Jersey.
-Did I mention how dumb Eli Manning is? Because seriously.
-Everyone puts Tom Coughlin on the hot seat every other day. Like seriously, stop. Just two months ago they wanted to fire him, and now look where they are. Talk about overreaction.

New England Patriots

Pros:
-Do you like white people? Do you like white people who are gritty and hard working and short? WELL DO I HAVE THE GUYS FOR YOU!!! I heard Julian Edelman shoveled all of the streets in Boston with just a bucket and a garden shovel and then he returned a punt. WHAT A GUY!
-Seriously though, do you like white people? Because only white people are stupid enough to want to live in New England. Come for the humid summers, but stay for the bitter winters!
-When Tom Brady and Belichick retire, most of the Patriots fans will go back to where they were in 1998; non existent.
-Tom Brady is kind of an asshole, but just admit it, you wish you were him. Do you have a Victoria’s Secret model girlfriend, a $20 million dollar house, and slideshows dedicated to your hair? Didn’t think so. You don’t want any of that? Fuck you, quit lying.
-Ditto that for Bill Belichick, except replace Victoria’s Secret model with the Real Housewives of Quincy.

Cons:
-I am going to have to hear about the Patriots and how great it is for such a long tortured fanbase to finally get another chance at a Super Bowl after 4 agonizing years for the next two weeks and there is no way to escape it. I’m sure even old ladies at Stop and Shop will try and talk my god damn ear off about how great the Patriots are. I already want to kill myself.
-Win or lose, you can you can expect the Bill Simmons to write 20,000 words about the game.
-Gritty white people.
-TOMMY FUCKING BRADY will become the GREATEST QUARTERBACK EVER!
-You can expect a bunch of bad posts on sports blogs using fake Boston accents, and they will all be bad.
-No matter what after this everyone in New England will start talking constantly about the Red Sox, and sweet Jesus I am not ready for that.

The only good news is that The Black Eyed Peas aren’t playing the half time show this year. Which isn’t all that good when you realize that Madonna and her weird arms are playing the Super Bowl, but hey, Puppy Bowl.