Because what’s really hot is recycling shit you did a year ago.

• The Artist- The people who actually want to see a black and white silent film are the same assholes who don’t own a TV and talk about how much better off they are than other people, despite the fact that they have shitty taste in movies.
• The Descendants- When we were in New York a couple weeks ago there was a copy of Black Book in the room (which is the worst) and there was a piece on the girl in this movie, a select quote “I would rather actually kill my meat than buy it in plastic wrap.” Fuck you you fucking asshole, I doubt this dumb girl has ever even hunted anything. For that reason alone I want this movie to burn in hell.
• Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close- A movie about 9/11? Sounds like an uplifting bit of cinema. It really should have been called “Do you want to cry for two whole hours?”
• The Help- I don’t know what to say about this movie because I feel like it’s a hot button topic for racism and I don’t want to touch it, but I think we can all agree that it’s a good thing Tyler Perry didn’t buy the rights to this movie.
• Hugo- I literally just found out this was a movie 10 seconds ago. It’s about some kid that lives in the walls of a train station and Sacha Baron Cohen is in it and is playing a serious role. I’m sort of intrigued. But what has the world of movies come to when the best picture could be a movie that’s complete Thanksgiving family movie bait?
• Midnight in Paris- You know what I hate more than anything? Fucking American ex-pats that live in Paris who write articles about living in Paris. They’re always like “Oh Paris is just so much better because XYZ, America is terrible” No asshole, you know what makes America suck so much? Assholes like you. I mean I’d love to live in Paris too, but I wouldn’t be such a self righteous dick about it.
• Moneyball- I’ve read the book at least three times and I loved it, but you know what’s not smart? To make a movie about how brilliant a guy is when the guy has been pretty sub par the last 5 years. It’s like making a movie about how Nick Lachey was a pop music powerhouse in 2009.
• The Tree of Life- It’s supposedly an art film with very little dialogue? Ugh no. One time I rented the movie Last Days because It looked kind of interesting, but it was just a fake Kurt Cobain stumbling around a forest and a giant house for two hours, and there was almost no story. Ugh, so terrible. I made some mistakes in my life in 2005.
• War Horse- Horses are dumb, and horse movies are dumber. They’d be cooler if it wasn’t for dumb people who liked horses. Can you imagine if we still used horses in wars? There would be someone out there like “So we talk about the 2,000 Americans that died in Afghanistan but why does nobody mention the 20 precious horses that died?” You know it’s true, horse people are crazy.