WHY ALWAYS ME?

I used to live in Colorado, but now I live in Providence and post things on the internet sometimes.

Hate mail goes here ill.example@gmail.com or here

You can also harass me on the twitter where I try to make dick jokes and sports jokes and sports dick jokes @illex

I also write about soccer at Avoiding the Drop

SUP BROS? ARE YOU ALL READY TO FUCKING RAGE THE FUCK OUT YO? BOBBY AND BILLY ARE GONNA FUCKING COME OVER AND WE’RE GONNA DO UP KEGS AND EGGS. FUCK YEAH MAN! YOU KNOW WHAT’S BETTER THAN BEER WITH BREAKFAST? FUCKING GETTING HAMMERED. WE’RE GONNA GET SO HAMMERED. SAINT PATRICK’S IS PROBABLY LIKE MY 3RD FAVES HOLIDAY BEHIND HALLOWEEN (SLUTTY NURSES!) AND ARBOR DAY (Look, we’ve got to do something about deforestation, if we don’t do something my kids will never see the beautiful world that I love) BUT I MEAN WHAT OTHER DAY CAN I GO OUT AND CELEBRATE MY SCOTTISH HERITAGE?  AFTER WE DO UP THE KEGS AND EGGS WE’RE GONNA HIT THE PARADE. I FUCKING LOVE THE PARADE BECAUSE THEY THROW OUT CANDY AND BEADS AND SHIT AND IT’S SO EASY TO GET BECAUSE THE ONLY OTHER PEOPLE TRYING TO GET THAT SHIT IS STUPID ASS KIDS. AFTER THE PARADE WE’RE GOING TO GO TO OUR FAVORITE AUTHENTIC IRISH PUB, BLARNEY O’MALLEYS. THE GREEN BEER AND IRISH CAR BOMBS FLOW LIKE WATER THERE. SOMEONE TOLD ME NOT TO CALL THEM IRISH CAR BOMBS AROUND AN IRISH PERSON BECAUSE I’D GET MY ASS KICKED, BUT I DON’T CARE BECAUSE AREN’T ALL IRISH PEOPLE LIKE 3 FEET TALL? AND WHY WOULD THEY BE MAD ANYWAYS? I’D BE STOKED IF A DRINK WAS NAMED AFTER MY PEOPLE! BLARNEY O’MALLEYS IS THE BEST BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY DRUNK GIRLS MAN, BUT LAST YEAR THIS ONE GIRL SHUT ME DOWN BECAUSE SHE FOUND OUT I WAS 30, BUT I WAS LIKE LISTEN BABE, YOU DON’T STOP CELEBRATING ST. PATRICK’S DAY EVER. I MEAN I GUESS A FEW OF OUR FRIENDS HAVE STOPPED RAGING FOR IT AND TOLD US WE’RE DUMB, BUT MAN THE THREE OF US ARE THE THREE AMIGOS, OR THE THREE O’MIGOS. GOD I CAN’T WAIT TILL CINCO DE MAYO TOO!!!!!!

SUP BROS?

ARE YOU ALL READY TO FUCKING RAGE THE FUCK OUT YO? BOBBY AND BILLY ARE GONNA FUCKING COME OVER AND WE’RE GONNA DO UP KEGS AND EGGS. FUCK YEAH MAN! YOU KNOW WHAT’S BETTER THAN BEER WITH BREAKFAST? FUCKING GETTING HAMMERED.

WE’RE GONNA GET SO HAMMERED. SAINT PATRICK’S IS PROBABLY LIKE MY 3RD FAVES HOLIDAY BEHIND HALLOWEEN (SLUTTY NURSES!) AND ARBOR DAY (Look, we’ve got to do something about deforestation, if we don’t do something my kids will never see the beautiful world that I love) BUT I MEAN WHAT OTHER DAY CAN I GO OUT AND CELEBRATE MY SCOTTISH HERITAGE?  AFTER WE DO UP THE KEGS AND EGGS WE’RE GONNA HIT THE PARADE. I FUCKING LOVE THE PARADE BECAUSE THEY THROW OUT CANDY AND BEADS AND SHIT AND IT’S SO EASY TO GET BECAUSE THE ONLY OTHER PEOPLE TRYING TO GET THAT SHIT IS STUPID ASS KIDS.

AFTER THE PARADE WE’RE GOING TO GO TO OUR FAVORITE AUTHENTIC IRISH PUB, BLARNEY O’MALLEYS. THE GREEN BEER AND IRISH CAR BOMBS FLOW LIKE WATER THERE. SOMEONE TOLD ME NOT TO CALL THEM IRISH CAR BOMBS AROUND AN IRISH PERSON BECAUSE I’D GET MY ASS KICKED, BUT I DON’T CARE BECAUSE AREN’T ALL IRISH PEOPLE LIKE 3 FEET TALL? AND WHY WOULD THEY BE MAD ANYWAYS? I’D BE STOKED IF A DRINK WAS NAMED AFTER MY PEOPLE!

BLARNEY O’MALLEYS IS THE BEST BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY DRUNK GIRLS MAN, BUT LAST YEAR THIS ONE GIRL SHUT ME DOWN BECAUSE SHE FOUND OUT I WAS 30, BUT I WAS LIKE LISTEN BABE, YOU DON’T STOP CELEBRATING ST. PATRICK’S DAY EVER. I MEAN I GUESS A FEW OF OUR FRIENDS HAVE STOPPED RAGING FOR IT AND TOLD US WE’RE DUMB, BUT MAN THE THREE OF US ARE THE THREE AMIGOS, OR THE THREE O’MIGOS.

GOD I CAN’T WAIT TILL CINCO DE MAYO TOO!!!!!!

  1. sailorbaby reblogged this from whiskeybot and added:
    when I was in England/Ireland for travel abroads, someone really wanted to let his hair down while in a foreign country...
  2. brevetcaptain said: Preeeeeach.
  3. staceyjoy said: Oh my god this is perfect. Well done.
  4. whiskeybot reblogged this from illustratedexample and added:
    One of my litmus tests for a) how big of a general asshole you are and b) if you might actually be Irish is if you order...
  5. samsplace said: Agreed. Ugh.
  6. retrotrash reblogged this from illustratedexample
  7. illustratedexample posted this