I’ve weighed in on the best picture nominees the last 3 years or whatever, and they’ve gotten increasingly less funny since I first did it, so I figure I need to keep up with the tradition, because I’m sure there are millions of people who live for this very recurring column on a frequently unused blog and they’d probably cry if they didn’t see this.
Amour-We’re starting off with a bang because I don’t know anything about this movie and I hope I never find out about this movie because it sounds foreign and for CHICKS! and I don’t do any of that kind of shit because I’m a MAN, man. Now someone go get me another Dr. Pepper Ten (FOR MEN!!!)
Argo- The worst part about movies based on true stories is then you see the real life people and they’re all ugly and you’re disappointing because the people who did that awesome thing looked like your bridge troll looking self and not an attractive Hollywood actor. Only attractive people should be allowed to do cool things in real life.
Beasts of the Southern Wild- I tried reading this movies wikipedia entry and I was more confused than before I read it. This is probably one of those movies that nobody understands but they want to be smart so they pretend to understand it’s deep meaning about life so they can shame the uncultured people who didn’t get it or didn’t see it.
Django Unchained- More Like Django why is this movie still going on? Was that the end? Nope. Quentin Tarantino is going to come out and do a shitty Australian accent for some reason.
Les Misérables- I’d rather get another root canal than see this movie. Actually I’d rather get a root canal than do a lot of things, at least with a root canal you can squeeze two days off of work out of it.
Life of Pi- Can we stop with the 3D movies forever? It’s the stupidest thing ever and should have died in 1985. The worst part is they still have the kitschy scenes in them where something flies towards the audience as if the dumb glasses we’re wearing that are giving us a mild headache aren’t enough of a reminder that the movie is in 3D. Just make a regular movie Hollywood assholes.
Lincoln- Why do we always have to talk about Abraham Lincoln? When do we finally get to see movies about Rutherford B Hayes and Martin Van Buren? I’ve been to Lincoln’s house and grave and whatever, and it was boring. I think it’s just there because the Stovepipe Hat Lobby wants to sell you their hats and push their agenda.
Silver Linings Playbook- It looks like an episode of Always Sunny got together with that Marky Mark movie where he’s a garbage man that plays for the Eagles, and My So Called Life and they had a baby and it was this crap. Nope. Speaking of Marky Mark, if him and the Rock don’t win every Oscar for that homoerotic movie about robbing banks and getting their pump on, I will be really sad, Now that’s a fucking movie.
Zero Dark Thirty- I bet everyone in Hollywood had a boner the minute Osama got killed. They love gory real shit, and it theres like a 20 year waiting period for making a movie about a sad tragedy with innocent victims (We’ll see you in 2019 movie about Columbine) but a tragedy where the victim is the bad guy? Crank that shit out. USA USA USA USA USA